Emotional Reunion

A U.S. sailor surprises his son when he returns from Iraq. You may want to have some kleenex on hand for this.

Caution: This Area Under Construction

Philosophers for millennia have ponder the over the question "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to witness it, does it make a sound?"

Well, if a crapblog undergoes several major template changes and no one ever visits it, does it really even change?

Anyway, if someone were to happen upon this corner of INTERNET, they would see several very different templates in a short space of time as I renovate.

thatisall

Adventures in Crass Commercialism

Aaarrgh...
Have you seen the new commercial for Swiffer™'s new spray?
Supposedly, it makes the Swiffer picker-upper-thingy work better.
Well... yeah. If your using something dry to pick up dust, it won't work as well as it would if you got it moist first.

I'm all for Capitalism. Love it, in fact. It's part of what makes this great country of ours great.
But, c'mon... How stupid do these advertising execs really think the American people are?

If I'm going to go to the store and shell out $4.29 for a Swiffer duster with "Auto-handle" and 5 cloths, $13 for a box of 24 disposable refill cloths, and an additionall $10 for a bottle of Swiffer Spray and Clean then I've just spent almost $30 dollars to do something I could have done with a rag and some water. And stayed home to boot.

Do people really buy these things?
Don't answer that.

What can you say? S*** happens...

In the words of Lisa Simpson...

It's apt! AAAAAAAAAppttttttt!!!

h/t to his Rottiness

Fun Facts About Alaska

I surf the web a lot at work. No, really. A lot. I find a lot of things that interest me. Some funny, some not so much. Some serious but most of it dreck. Occassionally, I find a blog author that I just get, you know? Shamus Young and his 'DM of The Rings' is one such. So are FrankJ. of IMAO and Harvey of Bad Example.
I like IMAO. It's one of my favorite reads online and I've been going there daily for about 2 years or so. There's plenty of talent at that site. Harvey is one of the co-bloggers there and has been doing this running series, both at IMAO and his site called Fun Facts About the 50 States. (Link will take you to the category at Harvey's site where you will find all of them.)

Anyway, as I am from Alaska, I thought I would cross post his Fun Facts About Alaska here. With his permission of course.

From Harvey,

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're taking the dog sled north to Alaska, so let's get started...

• Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton's marriage.

• Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.

90% of Alaska's oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.

There are no cars in Alaska because it's too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.

The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.

Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for "cold", all of which start with "Damn!"
Like that line? I stole it from Right Wing Duck while he was sneaking across the border.

Alaska's original state motto was "Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?"

Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims - much like Congressmen, except with parkas.

The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.

Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.

Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzeneggar's bicep.

It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.

During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.

Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.

The fishing industry is Alaska's largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.

All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the US where it's safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.

Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.

If I remember correctly, Alaska's state flower is the forget-me-not.

I'll let you think about that one for a minute.

The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn't be confused with puppy blending - the official state sport of Tennessee. (I added the links in case you're not familiar with the Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere, Glenn Reynolds the Puppy Blender - ed)

The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.

Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn't have a word to describe the temperature.

The current official state motto of Alaska is "North to the future". The unofficial state motto is "South to somewhere warm"

Contrary to popular myth there are no penguins in alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.

Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.

Alaska's name is based on the Eskimo word "Alakshak", which means "Damn!"

That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading to the desert southwest to take a look at Arizona.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression...

Hey ya filthy Canuck! Get your hands off that fish!

Fight Fire With Fire

From Misha, we get word of the newest fighting weaponry available to the brave men and women in the military.

Introducing the RPC - Rocket Propelled Chainsaw

Click the link above to see it in action.

Big Wild Life

Well, Anchorage has a new slogan: "Big Wild Life"

Not sure if it quite grabs me as well as the old "Wild About Anchorage" and it's kitschy song did, but it's nice enough and I'm sure that with time I'll grow to regard it with the same fondness I did the old one.

Anyway, there's a website you can go to to learn all about the new slogan as well as some of the contests going on to promote it.

The site is at Big Wild Life. If you go to the contest section there, you'll see where you can submit entries for the new logo. Or you can go Here to submit stories of your own Big Wild Adventures here in the Great Land so as to promote the slogan more.

I entered a story about how my brother Matthew and I helped a couple of troubled climbers out of a jam a couple years ago. Turns out it was good enough to be selected as one of the winning entries. Nothing terribly exciting in the way of prizes, but nifty nonetheless. Here's the story I submitted below.

On a chilly March morning, my brother and I drove down to climb the rock walls above Bryon Glacier out in Portage. As life-long Anchorage residents, we both enjoy the many opportunities here to pursue every kind of outdoor activity thru every season. We ski in the winter to stay in shape to run and climb in the summer, which keeps us in shape for skiing...This particular afternoon we were called on to utilize our resources to help some newcomers to the area. As we descended after our climb, we came upon two soldiers from Ft Richardson who had gotten a little ahead of their abilities. My brother helped one of them who had fallen, giving first aid and making sure he was stable warm, and calling for medical assistance. Meanwhile I climbed up to assist the other climber who was stuck and helped him get calm so I could talk him down a safe route. Once down, we created a landing zone for the helicopter; when the medics arrived they were happy to see we’d done all that was needed to be sure both men were stable and safe. Because of our lifestyle and background we were able to provide assistance when the need arose. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for the tremendous blessing of living here in the Last Frontier – to see and live near the mountains, by the sea, with others of like mind. We have skied the glaciers, climbed the ice and rocks, camped in the mountains, fished the sea, run through the woods -- what a great, big, wild life we can have~

So... yeah. If THIS story was selected as one of the winning entries, then you know you can probably do better. So go. Write something interesting down. Submit it. Who knows? Might win something cool...

Random Poem for the Day

Roses are #ff0000
Violets are #0000ff
All of my base
are belong to you

Hey, I think it's rather clever if you ask me...
If you don't get the reference, just ask.

A Million Physicists and a Half a Dozen Philosophers Just Got a Little Queasy

I have nearly 60 hours of
rollover minutes.

wtf.

maybe I can give those
back…

Wow. The notion of taking time
that you DIDN’T use in the PAST
and GIVING it to somebody.

Stephen Hawking just threw up
a little in his mouth.

Know Thy Enemy: Halliburton

I shamelessly lifted this post from Frank J., of IMAO fame.
Hey, I work for Halliburton and have for the past 4 years so, you know, I'm entitled. Or something. (Please don't ninja me Frank)

Know Thy Enemy: Halliburton

As we all know from the media, Cheney serves at the behest of his Lord and Master the corporation Halliburton, the most evil corporation there is. Thus I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about Halliburton, and I even checked out the FactCheck.org site Cheney mentioned in his debate with Frou-Frou( John Edwards, A.K.A. Breck Girl). Here are the goods:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON

* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.

* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.

* The cross Christ was crucified on - all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.

* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former CEO of theirs.

* While Andrew Jackson was president, Halliburton was able to get a contract to randomly destroy forest and kill woodland creatures for no particular reason.

* In the 80's, Halliburton researched how to turn puppies into nuclear waste that they could then put in the water of school children.

* After Cheney became CEO, Halliburton made money by bulldozing orphanages in third world countries to make chemical weapons plants to use on kittens.

* Halliburton shot JR.

* Some are confused exactly what business Halliburton does. Its main products are pollution, hatred, death, and lawn furniture.

* Remember when you didn't get that toy you wanted for Christmas? It was because of Halliburton!

* In Iraq, Halliburton has a couple people instructed to bang a hammer against pieces of wood to pretend they're constructing something while the rest of the employees work on stealing all that sweet, sweet oil.

* Halliburton killed Bambi’s mom.

* Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas.

* Know who canceled the original Star Trek? Halliburton!

* Halliburton contractors in Iraq have been instructed to strap Iraqi children to themselves to protect themselves from bullets.

* Halliburton holds the patents on strife, suffering, genocide, and pure evil.

* Despite seemingly cutting contact with Halliburton and its profits, Cheney gets a dollar from Halliburton each time an innocent civilian in Iraq is killed.

* Halliburton once killed my dog.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Halliburton, Aquaman would be bribed with a cushy job to not tell the press how Halliburton is dumping waste in the ocean (hey, the ocean is two thirds of the earth; where else are you supposed to dump waste?).

* In the movie Planet of the Apes, know who blew up the Statue of Liberty? Halliburton!

* Reliable polemic, government-controlled newspapers in the Middle East say that not only is Halliburton part of the Great Satan, it's also run by jooooos!

* Halliburton has gotten its pollution so efficient; it soon should be able to produce pure pollution without any commercial byproduct.

* Halliburton has done business with America's sworn enemies such as Libya, Iran, and France.

* Soylent green is Halliburton.

* When George Lucas went seemingly mad, and began re-making the Star Wars movies, he was actually under the influence of Halliburton’s powerful experimental mind control beams. Jar-Jar Binks? Halliburton. Greedo shooting first? Yup, Halliburton. In fact, Halliburton didn’t just get a No-Bid on the Deathstar; they made the government want the Deathstar.

* It's in the Halliburton mission statement to put evil and the customer before profit.


Now that you all know how funny and brilliant and cool Frank is, go HERE and read his stuff.

You go read now!!

40 Reasons for Gun Control

From Conservative Babes, via an anonymous tipster, I bring you this well written piece. Enjoy.

40 Reasons for gun control.
1. Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, & Chicago cops need guns.

2. Washington DC’s low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis’ high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.

3. Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are “just statistics.”

4. The Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, both of which went into effect in 1994 are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates, which have been declining since 1991.

5. We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.

6. The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.

7. An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.

8. A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.

9. When confronted by violent criminals, you should “put up no defense—give them what they want, or run” (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don’t Die - People Do, 1981, p.125).

10. The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns & Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.

11. One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for internal medicine, a computer programmer for hard drive problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.

12. The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created 130 years later, in 1917.

13. The National Guard, federally funded, with bases on federal land, using federally-owned weapons, vehicles, buildings and uniforms, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a “state” militia.

14. These phrases: “right of the people peaceably to assemble,” “right of the people to be secure in their homes,” “enumeration’s herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people,” and “The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people” all refer to individuals, but “the right of the people to keep and bear arm” refers to the state.

15. “The Constitution is strong and will never change.” But we should ban and seize all guns thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Amendments to that Constitution.

16. Rifles and handguns aren’t necessary to national defense! Of course, the army has hundreds of thousands of them.

17. Private citizens shouldn’t have handguns, because they aren’t “military weapons”, but private citizens shouldn’t have “assault rifles”, because they are military weapons.

18. In spite of waiting periods, background checks, finger printing, government forms, etc., guns today are too readily available, which is responsible for recent school shootings. In the 1940’s, 1950’s and 1960’s, anyone could buy guns at hardware stores, army surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, Sears mail order, no waiting, no background check, no fingerprints, no government forms and there were no school shootings.

19. The NRA’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, but the anti-gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign is responsible social activity.

20. Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.

21. A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.

22. Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is “an accident waiting to happen” and gun makers’ advertisements aimed at women are “preying on their fears.”

23. Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.

24. Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.

25. A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.

26. Any self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a “weapon of mass destruction” or an “assault weapon.”

27. Most people can’t be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.

28. The right of Internet pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.

29. Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self-defense only justifies bare hands.

30. The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.

31. Charlton Heston, a movie actor as president of the NRA is a cheap lunatic who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas, a movie actor as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.

32. Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do “civilians” who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.

33. We should ban “Saturday Night Specials” and other inexpensive guns because it’s not fair that poor people have access to guns too.

34. Police officers have some special Jedi-like mastery over hand guns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.

35. Private citizens don’t need a gun for self-protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.

36. Citizens don’t need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.

37. “Assault weapons” have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people. The police need assault weapons. You do not.

38. When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that’s bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that’s good.

39. Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.

40. Handgun Control, Inc. says they want to “keep guns out of the wrong hands.” Guess what? You have the wrong hands.

A Very Well Linked Story

Rob Cockerham, of Cockeyed.com has finished his Very Linked Short Story.

Rob came up with a brilliant idea for his story. To make it special and more interesting than a mere story posted on a website, he decided to create a link for each word in the story. For example, The first four words "It" "was" "a" and "dark" would all link to different web pages. He asked for his readers to sign up to assign their own web pages to a single word in the story. This way when the story published online, each and every word in it would be linked to a site run by his readers. Nifty, huh? Well I certainly thought so.

Don't have any idea who Rob is? Worry not! Read on!

From the Wiki...
Cockeyed.com is a website that covers a variety of subjects, most of which are projects undertaken by the site's creator, Rob Cockerham. As the creator lives in Sacramento, California, many of his projects take place in notable Sacramento landmarks, such as Arden Fair Mall and Arco Arena.
One of the most popular articles is called "How Much is Inside", which has been put together one episode at a time since 1998. There are currently more than 40 episodes online, and it is available in 3 and a half languages.
Other sections are the pranks, the educational Science Club and Cockerham's Incredible Creations, all of which are presented with vividly colorful pictures detailing the steps of the project.
In addition to being a source of partially useful information, the site also handles some important issues. Cockerham has also used the site as a platform to locate and harass spammers.
A particular focus of the website is the multi-level marketing business opportunity from Herbalife. Rob has dedicated many pages to criticizing its independent distributors' use of signs in public spaces as well as the Herbalife business model in general.
Unique on the home page is a one-pixel ad.
Rob Cockerham has made appearances regarding Cockeyed.com on the program 20/20 as well as in a segment during the 24 Hours of Foo event on MTV2.

In case you're wondering which word is mine, it's the word 'much' at the end of the first paragraph.

As falls from grace go, that's a long way to drop...

Lisa Nowak, the crazed 'Diaper' astronaut who allegedly drove from TX to FL to kidnap a rival for the affections of fellow astronaut and pilot, Bill Ofelien, managed to avoid the charge of attempted murder today.

[Insert random witticism about astronauts being angels orbiting above and how far a plunge Lisa's fall from grace must be indeed.]

Man, I really feel for this guy, Ofelein. You know, he graduated H.S here in Anchorage from West High. Apparrently, he was supposed to be up here recently for interviews and whatnot. Chillax with his old friends and see his family, you know... but then this story broke and he canceled his trip. How lame is that?

Near a Raven

The poem below, which bears an uncanny similarity to a certain famous poem by Edgar Allen Poe, is the latest and most difficult attempt at constrained writing. Constrained writing is the art of constructing a work of prose or poetry that obeys some artificially-imposed constraint. For example, there are two published novels from which the letter 'e' is absent - Gadsby, by Ernest Vincent Wright (1938), and La Disparition by George Perec (still in print, and even available in a very recent English translation (A Void, translated by Gilbert Adair) that also obeys the constraint!).

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to figure out the constraint imposed on this poem. The answer is given after the end, so if you want to try to figure it out, just look at the beginning of the poem.

Poe, E.
Near A Raven

Midnights so dreary, tired and weary. Silently pondering volumes extolling
all by-now obsolete lore. During my rather long nap - the weirdest tap!
An ominous vibrating sound disturbing my chamber's antedoor.
"This", I whispered quietly, "I ignore".

Perfectly, the intellect remembers: the ghostly fires, a glittering ember.
Inflamed by lightning's outbursts, windows cast penumbras upon this floor.
Sorrowful, as one mistreated, unhappy thoughts I heeded:
That inimitable lesson in elegance - Lenore -
Is delighting, exciting...nevermore.

Ominously, curtains parted (my serenity outsmarted), And fear overcame my
being - the fear of "forevermore". Fearful foreboding abided, selfish
sentiment confided, As I said, "Methinks mysterious traveler knocks afore.
A man is visiting, of age threescore."

Taking little time, briskly addressing something: "Sir," (robustly) "Tell
what source originates clamorous noise afore? Disturbing sleep unkindly,
is it you a-tapping, so slyly? Why, devil incarnate!--" Here completely
unveiled I my antedoor-- Just darkness, I ascertained - nothing more.

While surrounded by darkness then, I persevered to clearly comprehend.
I perceived the weirdest dream...of everlasting "nevermores". Quite,
quite, quick nocturnal doubts fled - such relief! - as my intellect said,
(Desiring, imagining still) that perchance the apparition was uttering a
whispered "Lenore".
This only, as evermore.

Silently, I reinforced, remaining anxious, quite scared, afraid,
While intrusive tap did then come thrice - O, so stronger than sounded
afore. "Surely" (said silently) "it was the banging, clanging window
lattice."
Glancing out, I quaked, upset by horrors hereinbefore,
Perceiving: a "nevermore".

Completely disturbed, I said, "Utter, please, what prevails ahead.
Repose, relief, cessation, or but more dreary 'nevermores'?" The bird
intruded thence - O, irritation ever since! -
Then sat on Pallas' pallid bust, watching me (I sat not, therefore),
And stated "nevermores".

Bemused by raven's dissonance, my soul exclaimed, "I seek intelligence;
Explain thy purpose, or soon cease intoning forlorn 'nevermores'!"
"Nevermores", winged corvus proclaimed - thusly was a raven named?
Actually maintain a surname, upon Pluvious seashore?
I heard an oppressive "nevermore".

My sentiments extremely pained, to perceive an utterance so plain,
Most interested, mystified, a meaning I hoped for. "Surely," said the
raven's watcher, "separate discourse is wiser.
Therefore, liberation I'll obtain, retreating heretofore -
Eliminating all the 'nevermores' ".

Still, the detestable raven just remained, unmoving, on sculptured bust.
Always saying "never" (by a red chamber's door). A poor, tender
heartache maven - a sorrowful bird - a raven!
O, I wished thoroughly, forthwith, that he'd fly heretofore.
Still sitting, he recited "nevermores".

The raven's dirge induced alarm - "nevermore" quite wearisome.
I meditated: "Might its utterances summarize of a calamity before?" O, a
sadness was manifest - a sorrowful cry of unrest;
"O," I thought sincerely, "it's a melancholy great - furthermore,
Removing doubt, this explains 'nevermores' ".

Seizing just that moment to sit - closely, carefully, advancing beside it,
Sinking down, intrigued, where velvet cushion lay afore. A creature,
midnight-black, watched there - it studied my soul, unawares.
Wherefore, explanations my insight entreated for.
Silently, I pondered the "nevermores".

"Disentangle, nefarious bird! Disengage - I am disturbed!"
Intently its eye burned, raising the cry within my core. "That
delectable Lenore - whose velvet pillow this was, heretofore,
Departed thence, unsettling my consciousness therefore.
She's returning - that maiden - aye, nevermore."

Since, to me, that thought was madness, I renounced continuing sadness.
Continuing on, I soundly, adamantly forswore: "Wretch," (addressing
blackbird only) "fly swiftly - emancipate me!"

"Respite, respite, detestable raven - and discharge me, I implore!"
A ghostly answer of: "nevermore".

" 'Tis a prophet? Wraith? Strange devil? Or the ultimate evil?"
"Answer, tempter-sent creature!", I inquired, like before. "Forlorn,
though firmly undaunted, with 'nevermores' quite indoctrinated,
Is everything depressing, generating great sorrow evermore?
I am subdued!", I then swore.

In answer, the raven turned - relentless distress it spurned.
"Comfort, surcease, quiet, silence!" - pleaded I for. "Will my (abusive
raven!) sorrows persist unabated?
Nevermore Lenore respondeth?", adamantly I encored.
The appeal was ignored.

"O, satanic inferno's denizen -- go!", I said boldly, standing then.

"Take henceforth loathsome "nevermores" - O, to an ugly Plutonian shore!
Let nary one expression, O bird, remain still here, replacing mirth.

Promptly leave and retreat!", I resolutely swore.
Blackbird's riposte: "nevermore".

So he sitteth, observing always, perching ominously on these doorways.
Squatting on the stony bust so untroubled, O therefore. Suffering stark
raven's conversings, so I am condemned, subserving,
To a nightmare cursed, containing miseries galore.
Thus henceforth, I'll rise (from a darkness, a grave) -- nevermore!

-- Original: E. Poe
-- Redone by measuring circles.

Solution:

Despite the rather difficult constraint (to be revealed shortly), observe how this revised version of "The Raven" duplicates the story, tone, and rhyme scheme of the original fairly closely (including the internal rhymes in the first and third line of each stanza). The only major concession to the form is that the original has six lines per stanza, with the fourth and fifth lines usually being very similar. Due to the nature of the constraint imposed (revealed in the next paragraph), this would have been nearly impossible to do. Therefore, this version eliminates the similar line in each stanza.

Give up? Hint: Start at the very beginning (with the word 'Poe') and write next to each word the number of letters it contains. Put a decimal point after the first digit. Look at the first few digits (or more if, like me, you know the first several hundred by heart). Are you impressed yet?

Even given the rather difficult constraint, I was able to match the original very closely in spots. The very first line, although its meter is wrong, is surprisingly close. Others which are very close, even to the point of using many of the same words, are stanza 4 line 5, stanza 6 line
3, stanza 7 line 4, and stanza 15, line 1.

Note the use of the term "blackbird" a couple of times. Though not, strictly speaking, correct (a raven is a black bird, not a blackbird), the term is particularly appropriate. It is a subtle reference to George Perec's La Disparition, which contains another written-with-constraints
version of "The Raven" - in this case the constraint being "write it in French without using the letter 'e'". In the English translation of La Disparition by Gilbert Adair, the poem is faithfully translated into English, also without using letter 'e'. The English version of the poem is titled (wait for it...) Black Bird!

The poem encodes the first 740 decimals of pi. The encoding rule is this: a word of N letters represents the digit N if N<9, n="10,">10 (e.g., a 12-letter word represents the digit '1' followed by '2').

A much less well-known example is this nice poem by Joseph Shipley (1960):

But a time I spent wandering in bloomy night;
Yon tower, tinkling chimewise, loftily opportune.
Out, up, and together came sudden to Sunday rite,
The one solemnly off to correct plenilune.

I believe that "Near a Raven" establishes the world record for length of a pi mnemonic. I would be glad to hear of other wordy attempts, either in prose or poetry. Perhaps someone would like to attempt a short story or a novel?!

Random homework assignment

“The integral of z squared d z,
from one to the cube root of three,
times the cosine,
of three pi over nine,
equals the log of the cube root of e.”

and, in symbols:
1 ò 31/3 [ z2 dz ] cos (3p/9) = ln (e1/3)

Such mathematical beauty is astounding, and surprisingly, not all that rare. However, before you begin to wax poetic yourself, note that your homework assignment is to prove the limerick mathematically accurate.

Heh heh heh.

And this is old but still funny...

Old, but still funny.

See also...
The fighting styles of Donald Rumsfeld, Revealed!

US Senior Mercenary, On Vacation, Kills Mugger With His Bare Hands

He's a retired soldier, of course.

Ex-mercenaries: Don't take them too lightly either.

A tour bus of U.S. senior citizens defended themselves against a group of alleged muggers, sending two of them fleeing and killing a third in the Atlantic coast city of Limon, police said on Thursday.
One of the tourists _ a retired member of the U.S. military aged about 70 _ put assailant Warner Segura in a head lock and broke his clavicle after the 20-year-old and two other men armed with a knife and gun held up their tour bus Wednesday, said Luis Hernandez, the police chief of Limon, 80 miles east of San Jose.

Message to all you young punks: When the man says "Keep your butt off my lawn," well, Little Mister, you better keep your gosh-durned butt off his gosh-durned lawn if you know what's good for you.

Yea-up, Our soldiers are no more than mercenaries...

US Soldier Wrestles Suicide Bomber To Ground To Allow Intended Victims To Take Cover

He did it all for the paycheck, of course.

He will be fondly remembered. Even better, he gets to do some of the remembering himself, because he followed Patton's rule:

As ANP forces chased the suspect, Coalition forces verbally instructed him to stop. When he did not, they engaged with small arms fire, hitting the bomber several times. A U.S. Soldier wrestled him to the ground, restraining him long enough to allow the crowd of people to move safely away. He was able to break free from the bomber prior to the explosion. He sustained only minor injuries from the blast.

Mercenaries. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sort of starting to get the whole Johnny Cash thing.

Demons

My screams are never loud enough

I don't know who I am

I can feel my demons start to rise;

it's the beginning of the end

My emotions just don't matter;

I'm numb right to the core

I can't control my actions,

my conscience lives no more.

These words that I now write,

Can't be called my own

My demons have taken over;

they've turned my heart to stone.

I'm trying to go back,

and right the wrongs I've done.

But my demons are relentless,

they say, "what's done, is done"

My screams are never loud enough,

my soul has been sedated.

I'm not the man you used to love;

I'm the demon you’ve created.

Yeah, I did it

De-rezzed all my old posts in a fit of... well I don't know why I did it, exactly. Was feeling a bit exposed, I reckon.

No matter. I've got my hoodie on, pulled my Adidas cap low and I'm feeling... well I don't know what I'm feeling exactly. Could be hunger.

Top Ten Answers to "Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?"

10 - She had a one-track mind.
9 - She'd wandered into a discarded Klein bottle while hunting for worms and couldn't find her way out.
8 - Variety is the spice of life.
7 - After years of all these stupid chicken jokes, she'd gotten tired of being a one-dimensional character.
6 - It was a lateral thinking exercise.
5 - She'd spotted some yummy-looking bugs a few hundred feet away and, being well-versed in topology, figured she'd take the short-cut.
4 - What else do you do if you're a chicken with a seriously warped sense of humor?
3 - The disembodied voice of A. Square from Flatland told her to.
2 - She was always trying to get ahead of herself.
And the number one reason why the chicken crossed the Möbius strip...
1 -To get to the other... uh, never mind.